It’s been a while since you’ve seen little me. I know, I’ve been pretty distracted. I fell for someone and kinda let it get out of hand. It’s funny when you set up “rules” for who you will and won’t date only not only find yourself going against those, but falling in spite of them.
I’ll start out by saying I’ve often thought of myself as a broken person. Sex has never been particularly fulfilling for me. Sure it’s fun and I enjoy the physical contact, but when it comes to getting off it’s never clicked for me. Now I know lots of girls say they have a similar problem, but for me, whatever feeling, whatever building momentum you have that leads to orgasm has been completely absent in the bedroom. I can get myself off so it’s not completely absent. But with a guy in the room, it’s not.
But then I met Martin. And everything changed. Thing about him is that when I’m with him I feel like we’re two refugees. Like we share a secret that no one else in the world could even begin to understand. With him, he not only understands it he shares and delights and carries it. And that something I never expected to actually find in this life.
Now there are problems. Unavoidable, illogical, and possibly insurmountable problems. We’re in very different places in our lives. He might move. I’m really busy. Our families would hate each other. He can be emotionally distant.
So when you look at it, you’d think, “yea, this probably isn’t going to work, why bother?” I’m pretty sure that’s the way he feels. But that tears at my heart unlike anything else ever. “So what?” I want to scream. “Do you know how long I’ve been looking for you?” I don’t understand how despite the obstacles, a person wouldn’t be willing to take the chance when you connect on such a level.
Maybe it’s just more special to me than it is to him. Or maybe he’s just so focused on himself that he can “turn off” the emotion. I hate him so much for that. That if we broke up, I would be a wreck, and he’d be able to walk around, a robot, living his life.
The break hasn’t happened officially. But a distance has started, a pulling away. For the past 3 weeks we’ve been in almost constant communication and now it’s sparse at best. He’s away on a business trip right now, so it make’s sense that he’d be busy. But he’s been away before and the communication had found its way though then. I’m bracing for the worst when he returns.
Once again I feel played with by God, or the cosmos, or whatever you want to call it.