Monthly Archives: December 2011

Tony Understands part 1- By Jack

Tony understood.

He understood trudging through the snow.  He understood that his hat had blown away and that it was not the will of God. Tony did not understand a great many things. This world did not make any sense. But there was one thing he did understand and that was all that was important.  He pressed his folded arms deeper into his chest and trudged forward.

He cursed himself at the poor decision to dress so sparsely. He cursed that he had taken the lighter path. He thought it would be faster and easier. He should have known better. And that’s what stung so much harder than the needles of ices to his face.  But there in lied thesecret. It would never be better than this.

He arrived at the tree stump. The axe was untouched, like Arthur’s birthright. But this would award him no power. It was a chore. He began to chop the frozen wet wood. This world made no sense. He had to perform this task today at this time. No reason was given. Only the instruction.  Halfway though he gave the biggest cough of his life. The snow painted red. He pulled off his glove to wipe his mouth. As a kid, Tony used to appreciate the metal taste. But in this volume he’d kill for a Lifesaver Wint-O-green. He felt the need to relieve himself and wondered if the urine would mix with the blood to yield an orange mixture. It didn’t. It only bubbled and remained red.

After chopping what he prayed (to no one) was the last log Tony he stared down. In a moment he would look to his left. There would either be fresh logs to chop or there wouldn’t be.  Log of fresh wood piled themselves up out of nowhere. He would chop them. Then he would see a fresh pile. He would chop those. Some days there was just one pile. Some piles would refresh themselves for days.  But now looking at the snow, imagining dancing snow flakes or red designs that might shape if he coughed again,  he embraced the musings his mind, free to storm during this time out. These intermittent breaks seemed like all his life had become. Or maybe this was the only time he had to reflect.  Just ten more seconds and he would look. He hummed a song from his childhood. It must have a theme song. “Gummy Bears, dancing here and there and every where..” He couldn’t remember the next line. He sighed and look over.

A fresh pile awaited him. He lounged in denial.  How perfectly his imagination detailed the fresh wood. It seemed bigger than before. He went back to work for 2 more piles.

He collected the chopped wood into his back pack and sliced the axe in to the stump for the next lost soul. His backpack had infinite capacity.  The weight of the logs did not diminish like their volume. This world made no sense. He would to take the bus home.

Upon arriving he looked to the left and to the right. Yellow lights to the left were oncoming blessings. Red lights to the right were insult to injury. He saw neither. An old woman sat on the bench. She understood too. The bus would come soon enough. Tony and the old woman would get on the bus. They would journey silently. But not known to Tony or the old woman would be another passenger on the bus. This passenger would be young and frustrated. Erratic. He would not understand. And this would create a problem. Worse than the logs, worse than the snow, worse than the blood, the problem of the young man who did not understand would be the worst part of Tony’s day.  And at the end of it all Tony might end up heartbroken, except for the one fact…he understood. Could he make this young passenger understand? Or would he have to die?

To be continued…

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Posted by on December 29, 2011 in By Jack


But you move on. –by Mack Jack and Jill

Jack’s not doing so well.  He met this girl a few weeks ago. She was pretty hot actually. Some French girl. I was pretty surprised. Happy for the guy. But I knew it wasn’t going to work. 

 So this bitch used Jack to get back at her ex-boyfriend. 

Jill really didn’t like her.

It’s so nice to have someone to cuddle with while you watch Spirited Away. I was practically cradling her.

She was like 19. Why do older guys always go for infants?

I told Jack to keep a distance.  Have fun with her. Stay in charge.  But you can’t tell a thirsty guy to stop at a shot of water. 

I couldn’t believe she came so far to see me the first time we met up. She trained through half of Manhattan in rush hour to get coffee with me for like 15 minutes.

She just wanted a place to sleep outside of her dorm where she could smoke.  

He waited for those text messages like they were orgasms. 

She couldn’t for the life of her tell the difference between your and you’re. And God did she used “lol” so much.

I mean I get the need to have a little fun. But I think Jack falls into things. 

 Jack’s always going to take it to heart. Everything’s gonna be personal to him. He just can’t take it for what their worth. 

I knew exactly what Christmas gift to get her.

I’m always watching out for that turning point.

There’s that moment when you know you’re just wasting your time. 

When you can tell they aren’t attracted to you anymore…the text messages stop coming so fast…they’re not so excited when you plan to meet up. When you know you’re no longer the priority…

That’s when I end it. It’s better to be the dumper then the dumpie. It’s all a game. If you’re not having fun, stop playing. 

I had this friend from Paris. She said there isn’t even a word for dating in French.   

It felt so good to make her laugh. She used to be so pissed when she came to see me. The train was late, her phone wasn’t working, her ex said something mean to her. But in ten minutes I had her smiling.

It’s not real. There’s no substance there. 

That’s the beauty of these little short romances. You can be whoever and you can make your partner feel as good as they need. They’re like little escapes from reality.  

She was a brat. She threw tantrums. And the way he’d sit outside with her every time she smoked. It was like he was her puppy dog. 

She visited him when he was sick. It was too sweet of her. That’s when I knew Jack wasn’t keeping her at a distance. 

She would scratch my shoulder. With her nails. Lightly. It tickled. And I like the way she smelled. I did laundry yesterday. When I got to the shirt she slept in, I considered not washing it. I smelled it again. I think the laundromat is the one place you can smell clothes and not look like a weirdo.

But you just gotta dust yourself off. Get back out there. This wasn’t some long term relationship. Turn around time should be an hour and a half. Tops.

Jack’ll wallow. He’ll blame everything on himself. “What did I do wrong?” “Why wasn’t I good enough?” He’s sensitive. He’s not built for flings. You can tell that after five minutes of talking to the guy. I mean he still does the chivalry stuff. 

You never know how to look at yourself. You wonder about your accomplishments. Did you win them because you are bad ass or because no one else showed up? Maybe the judge was pissed at the other guy for some stupid reason. Are our miracle successes indicative of our progress or mere blips of chance?

It’s not about them. It’s about you. It’s your ride. If they wanna come along, great. If not, fuck’em. Then kick them to the curb. 

“You can’t hurry love. No you just have to wait. “

I’m just so tired of starting over.

Happy Winter Solstice. 

-Big Mack Attack

-Jack Out

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Posted by on December 21, 2011 in By Jack, By Jill, By Mack, Dating


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This blog post will self destruct in 4…3…2…(A review of Mission: Impossible Ghost Protocol) –By Mack

Wow what a week. Jack and Jill have been non stop crapping their guts out as they both are suffering from the flu. I’ve been taking care of them. What? I can be maternal.  Anyway, I finally got out of the apartment for non work related crap (since Jill’s calling out, I had to cover her shifts) and I saw a movie last night. Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol.

Yes Ethan Hunt is back in another spy action thriller. Is it a run of the mill sequel or does it do the impossible? (i.e. bring something new to the action table.) In short, the answer is the latter. Ghost Protocol is directed by Brad Bird, director of The Iron Giant, The Incredibles, Ratatouille, and episodes of The Simpsons. Not your run of the mill action director. Though, The Incredibles certainly had good action sequences. Mr. Bird manages to bring his sense of humor to the movie and it really makes the film enjoyable.

Jackie Chan is credited as saying about his choreography (and I’m paraphrasing) “You need to have hit, hit, joke. Hit, hit, joke.” And Ghost Protocol captures this philosophy. Too many times have I gone to action movies felt very blah during the fight scenes. Sure the guy just took down twelve henchmen. But there was nothing to savor. In Transformers, you can’t even tell what’s happening during the action sequences. So I am elated to report that by and large, Ghost Protocol get’s it right. You feel the hits, the fights are fun to watch, and there is a sense of danger and stakes in all the action. This is what an action movie needs to accomplish.

Another bit of fun is some of their gadgets. We all been watching Bond films for decades. We’ve all seen the exploding pen and the BMW with missile capabilities. Without giving anything away, there are some interesting and humorous sequences driven by the IMF tech. Definitely, some things that made me think, “that’s pretty clever.”

Now, if you’ve seen any trailers or poster at all, you’ve probably seen Tom Cruise climbing Burj Dubai building. The producers and marketing are apparently very proud of it. And they should be, because this whole section of the movie is its crowning achievement. If you are looking for a reason to see this movie on IMAX (other than the BATMAN prologue) this is the reason.

The supporting cast is solid. There’s enough characterization for Jeremy Renner and Paula Patton’s characters that you care about them. And Simon Pegg is who he always is. Granted he’s been funnier in other things, but he works. Even LOST alumn Josh Holloway makes an appearance.

My minor complaints are (1) the plot is what it is. Not as complex as the first Mission: Impossible or a Nolan film. About on par with an average Bond film. No big plot twists or double crosses. Does this make the movie bad? No. Does it stop it from being memorable? Yes.  And (2) the aforementioned Dubai scene is the film’s peak. After that there’s nothing as cool. So the ending is a bit of a let down. Nothing silly or stupid or feels like a cop out.  Just nowhere near as cool.

The movie does what it does well. It’s fun, fast, funny, and a perfect summer action blockbuster…in December!

– Big Mack Attack

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Posted by on December 18, 2011 in By Mack, Reviews, entertainment, etc...


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The non-update — By …uhhh NO ONE

Been a while since there’s been an update. Sorry about that. I’ve been cripplingly ill for the last few days. I’m sure you’ll hear about it soon enough via one of the characters. Probably Jill.

Jill: Wait what???

Nothing. Anyway. This week I have to focus on a play I have to get done by mid week. So there likely won’t be an update till later.  SO…in the meantime enjoy some stuff that got me through the worst of it.

The promise of an awesome movie.

Our country losing the freedoms it was founded upon.

Sigh. Why won’t it embed like it used to?


The Gunslinger. Both the novel and the graphic novel.


And one more Batman thing.

So funny Collegehumor.


Anyway. I’m glad I don’t feel like this anymore.

Ugh. Links to videos seem so unprofessional. WTF?



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Posted by on December 12, 2011 in Uncategorized


Wonderful World of Texting — By Mack

There’s no doubt that texting has become a dominant form of communication. It’s addicting. Especially when it comes to dating. Now some girls say they don’t respond to text messages with the Cosmo inspired line, “If a guy wants to talk to me, he can call me.”  And to that I say, don’t fall while you’re ridding around on your high horse.

Text messages are today’s love notes. They’re nuggets of spontaneity and excitement.  A phone conversation has all sorts of risk involved. First you’ve got to get her to answer. In college, before I had magical texts I had the 3 call rule. First call, no answer, message. Second call, no answer, message. Third call, done. She just wasn’t into me? Maybe.

Let’s jump into the head of a girl real quick,

Wow it’s really empty in here! HAHA Just kidding. But I do have an overwhelming desire for Pinkberry. Hey! My phone’s ringing. I don’t recognize that number. Telemarketer? Maybe it’s that creepy guy from the subway. Why did I give him my number? Maybe it’s that cute guy from the Starbucks? 

Do I want to talk to him now? I’ve got work to do/by Stacy is over and we about to open this bottle of wine/Dancing With Stars is on, fuck him. (Then I hit decline.)

Jill: I object to that misogynistic characterization of my gender!
Jill, get out of my blog post.
Jill: You’re being mega creepy!!!
Don’t you have some anime farm animals to draw or something?

Sorry about that. Now what do you suppose the chances of her calling back are? Guys, when has a girl ever called you back that early into a relationship? Girls, seriously. You’re just not going to do it. I don’t expect you to. Then when the guy calls again is he going to be mad you didn’t call back?  You don’t know. It’s just not the best situation. Now let’s jump back in to that sexy brain again.

Wow Stacy, I’m so glad we went out for 16 Handles instead of Pinkberry. Curse them for getting rid of peanut butter.

Jill: Women aren’t vapid!
Jill, out!

(PING sound.) I’ll look at that text later. Stacy’s more interesting. (Stacy goes outside for a smoke.) Let’s look at that message. Haha. Snookie is crazy and stupid. What a funny guy. 

And she messages back. See how low stakes that was? Timing didn’t matter. She didn’t need to be invested. She could enjoy the joke text all she wanted and if she didn’t message back, I’d be free to text her something else without it being a thing.

Don’t get me wrong, I like phone conversations. In fact, once things get going, one of the most exciting parts of the relationship is the nightly phone conversation before bed. But early on, especially first contact, it’s just obsolete.

Plus there’s something exciting about getting that PING sound. I think I’m developing a Pavlovian response.

-Big Mack Attack

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Posted by on December 7, 2011 in By Mack, Dating


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My new home. –By Jill


First off, let’s set the mood.

‘K. Now that that’s done. I found my new home and it’s on the upper west side of Manhattan!  Mack, that creepy guy from work (who’s actually pretty cool) needed a new roommate.  The other roommate, Jack is kinda a shut in.  He does a lot of writing and smells kinda funny. I was a little nervous about living with two guys but I had to get out of the Aunt and Uncle’s. So if I end up a bloody corpse, at least know I wasn’t bored.

The rents not bad. It’s on the 5th floor and my room basically has space for my bed…that’s it. But the living room is spacious and the kitchen has everything you need…and more. Like little friends who come out when it is dark and hide under magazines. It’s my first place in New York. I’ll get the luxury palace eventually.

I was on call last night at the restaurant, which means I have to wait around till 6:15 pm, then call to find out if they need me or not. Kinda ruins your night.  But I was excited to finally have a night to explore the city and not have to catch a Metro North to New Rochelle. The Christmas season in the city has seriously kicked into overdrive. I was going to go Rockefeller Center to see the tree but it was packed. Beyond busy, with people around Radio City Music Hall (seeing the Rocketts?) There were gates to stop pedestrians from walking into the street which condensed everyone into a massive seas of bodies on the sidewalk.  So instead you get this picture.

Other than a stalled train and a burrito, I went home pretty early. But I did find this awesome video.

-That’s it for me.   😛

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Posted by on December 3, 2011 in By Jill