One day I’m sitting in the apartment, wasting time watching Hulu. I noticed I left an OkCupid tab open and to my surprise found a half dozen IM messages from some chick.
PANDAmonium: So I’ll be up front- I’ve come on to okc to ask for some feedback
PANDAmonium: on a guy matter
PANDAmonium: also im NOT a phone sex operator or scammer
PANDAmonium: yes i am serious about all these things
PANDAmonium: Why the hell am i messaging you? I put u on my faves list apparently some time ago (I add people who seem interesting) so no, I don’t know u in person
PANDAmonium: and im not wacko despite the out-there ness of this message!
Should I have ignored this crazy person? Yea probably. But a mix of curiosity and sympathy with a dash of inflated ego proved I would choose otherwise.
BigMackAttack: I was afk. (away from keyboard, for those unfamiliar with internet abbreviations) What’s up?
PANDAmonium: you responded yay! Okay so can I get ur opinion about this…thing?
PANDAmonium: It’s kinda complicated…stupidly so…but I’ll try to not give alllllthe little details…and perceived details etc. So i had this guy teaching improv — I took his class — Now he’s about 27 and on a side note has a gf (who is also a model) — I’m 98% sure there have been messages, signals, communication if u will- that indicates he wants to fuck me
PANDAmonium: I want to….plus im into him (as in like him…and on a side note im a feminist so the whole gender divisive women=all emotions men=all sex Annoys the crap out of me…I don’t subscribe to it)
BigMackAttack: You’re not really making any sense…
PANDAmonium: Which part?
BigMackAttack: Like all of it.
PANDAmonium: I’m also almost 100% sure at least 2 people if not more know about this thing we have (aka nothing really…but something u know?)
Why am I still talking to her?
BigMackAttack: Okay. Hold up. Let me ask you some questions. See if I can’t sort some of this out.
BigMackAttack: So this improv instructor, have you and he ever hung out outside of class?
PANDAmonium: Well not just the two of us — we’ve been to this bar with ppl from class
BigMackAttack: Does he ever talk to you specifically at this bar?
PANDAmonium: well not like to just me…
BigMackAttack: What is your physical interaction like?
PANDAmonium: physical interaction?
BigMackAttack: Like does he ever put his arm around you? Ever tap your thigh or arm when he makes a point?
PANDAmonium: this one time I gave him a back massage!
BigMackAttack: Oh! That’s big. How’d he react to that?
PANDAmonium: he gave like a high pitched squeal he wasn’t expecting it — he was talking to another girl… but he WAS BEING FUNNY!!!
BigMackAttack: How long have you known him?
PANDAmonium: bout 6 months
BigMackAttack: Shhhh…yea…It’s not looking…
PANDAmonium: k k I know, but so like he does an improv show after class and I go to them a lot and he knows I go to them a lot
PANDAmonium: and like a lot of his scenes are about like marriage or like one of the topics was “proposal”
BigMackAttack: I think you might be reading into–
PANDAmonium: But he like looks at me when he does them!
BigMackAttack: So there’s eye contact.
PANDAmonium: not exactly, but he turns his head this way, and its towards me and one time he held his hand with his finger up over his forehead…so it was like…you know…?
BigMackAttack: A penis?
PANDAmonium: well yea…and this other time—
BigMackAttack: Okay I’m going to stop you here. Have you ever been on stage before? Like a real live performance?
PANDAmonium: in high school I did Grease
BigMackAttack: You remember those light?
BigMackAttack: How well could you see specific people in the audience?
PANDAmonium: oh 😦
BigMackAttack: All the stuff he does in improv, you have to discount. You’re wasting time if you think you can dissect any of that. If you and this guy aren’t talking outside of class or his show, I’m not seeing any evidence.
PANDAmonium: but theres this energy
BigMackAttack: Doubtful. But here’s a way to test for sure. You have a monologue you’ve been working on, I take it?
PANDAmonium: not really
BigMackAttack: Wait, you’re an actress right?
PANDAmonium: well, yea but I do improv
BigMackAttack: Get a monologue. Like yesterday. Once you’ve got it memorized, go reserve one of the rooms in the drama building, ask him to help you with it. If you two spend the whole time working on your monologue, he’s not into you. If you two get distracted talking about each other, if you feel that chemistry, then you know.
PANDAmonium: That’ll work?
BigMackAttack: You kidding me? You’ve any idea how many times girls asked me to “work on a monologue” with them?
BigMackAttack: Be careful, though. If he has a girlfriend, you might piss people off or end up with a bad rep. If it were just college, that’s be one thing. But, this is the theatre world. You’ll see these people long after you graduate. I guarantee it.
PANDAmonium: didn’t think about that…thx
PANDAmonium: feel free to message me if you ever wanna ask me something or if you want my number…
BigMackAttack: That’s okay.
–Mackified for your entertainment